Loved ones… Am I right about this… that you both deeply love, and deeply hate, your addict? If so, this is normal for the loved ones of active addicts. I mean, let’s face it, having an active addict in your life can be hell on earth at times. Especially if the person is coming to your door wanting to fleece you of not only your money and resources, but also your patience and positivity. Active addicts in the grip of their addiction almost always end up sucking the life out of those they love. It comes with the territory of addiction. Abusing another’s love feeds their bloated shadow self (aka their Dark Passenger) through the self hate that comes with the behavior – which in turn feeds the bloodstream of the addiction. And round and around it goes.
So yes, I get that it is no bed of roses being around an active addict. I’ve certainly had my own share of murderous thoughts about the addicts in my life over the years. The reality is this though… Addicts are sick people trying to get well and not bad people trying to get good. Yes they ARE people in the grip of a dark energy who are not averse to selling their soul – including attempting to hex people – to get what they want, but this behavior comes from their Dark Passenger and not from their soul led selves. We, as loved ones, need to separate out the 2 personalities – even if that is the hardest thing in the world to do when confronted with hugely unloving abusive behavior.
Instead though, our disdain for the person’s behavior – driven usually by disappointment that the person is not being who we want and need them to be – can often lead us to act in ways which end up feeding our OWN shadow selves. When we see someone as beneath contempt – like when we are driven by fear-led superiority for whatever reason – this is often when we can begin dehumanizing the person. And when we dehumanize, we can logically then begin to treat that person with “legitimate” disgust – with all the bells and whistles that that brings. Because, from our egoic selves perspective, don’t they deserve nothing less?
Over the years, I have met many thousands of loved ones of addicts entering recovery and ALL of them – bar none – entered recovery feeling superior in every way to their addict. In their eyes, they were perfect. It was the addict who was the problem – not them. I was the same of course when I began my “loved ones recovery” (as opposed to my “addiction recovery”) so I am not saying this from a superior position myself either. As the layers were peeled back from all of us loved ones through the years though it became clear just how ugly our OWN souls had become through being regularly exposed to Dark Passenger led behavior. And just how ugly we were willing to let our own actions become as a result. And trust me… the ugly behavior of a disgusted loved one of an addict can hugely equal the ugliest behavior of an active addict. But you can guess who will get the sympathy and who won’t…
So, how do you move forward given this information? You get recovery for yourself. Period. Your recovery though is from the effects of another’s addiction. And boy do we as loved ones need that…
Know this to your core… the more we dehumanize our addict with our disgust, the longer the person will stay in active addiction because they will internalize that hatred and turn it onto themselves which will – of course – keep their Dark Passenger fed indefinitely.
So, beneath your disgust, if your deepest wish is for your addict to recover, do both yourself and your addict a favor and enter a “loved ones recovery program” of some description so you can find healthier ways of relating and responding to the person and their behavior. By doing so, you will begin to remove yourself from all that which eats away at your OWN soul and peace will soon begin to enter your life – whether that person stays in active addiction or not. Stop fighting fire with fire. Everyone is getting burnt.